INDEX
little and big thoughts!
my journal is organized from newest to oldest entries.
Looking at some of my old posts, I realized how much I used to write! Just a stream of consciousness like a river flowing out of control, like a dam breaking. My mind is still that way, but i've been more quiet about it. Classes have been feeling like a drag. lately every new person i meet is either the best person ever or the worst-- no inbetween. I drink energy drinks and skip some classes, i'm still an honor's student. I still study people on the street, their behaviors, everything; not unlike an alien that crash landed on a foreign planet. However i know thinking youre somehow more different, better/worse than others is a fallacy. We are all interlinked, interconnected. AI will fail because it can never replicate human emotion. We'll be okay.
For the first time in my life my words escape me and I don't know what to write. It may be partially because of certain people in my life right now, I can feel them sucking out the energy from my marrow and yet I let them. It ends up with me so drained and unsure. I know we need human intimacy and contact to live and function in society and have a healthy mind; but it's so tiring sometimes. The chance of getting hurt, betrayed, left is so big. The chances of being cheated on are just a statistical likelihood. It's all so tiring. I want a quiet life, like the rushing of the waves.
Oh and my best friend is back from America! She brought me sour candy and we had drinks at a bar and ate chips and kinder eggs on some random stairs in the city while the nightlife passed us by. It's so insane to compare us as children and teenager vs us now; the things we discuss with such open vulnerability is insane. I know she's been hurting. I hope she feels better soon. Unlike a lot of people, I think sometimes the best thing is to simply be by someone's side.
Happy first day of october! I have a weird feeling in my chest...but could be just because of all the birthday cake I ate yesterday lol(not my bday!) I think a lot of people have this internal desire to pathologize or romanticize their feelings and while it can be healthy in moderation, sometimes feelings are just feelings; there's nothing deeper to it. I've been trying to let myself feel emotions without attaching deeper meaning to it, without feeling like I have to "justify" them. School is still so hard. I'm tired and sleepy, but happy overall. Life goes on.
I feel kinda bad about my last entry... i was in a foulll mood.. and even though i try not to let negative emotions spill out of me, sometimes it happens. Good things have happened during the week! There is a huuuguggeeee intern opportunity that i'm not saying just yet (not until it happens!), but let's say it involves a field that's 1. hard to get into and 2. something i've been passionate about for the longest time! And also something almost everyone is trying to discourage me from pursuing lol but i made that mistake once, and never again! I'd rather try and fail or realize i dont like xyz rather than never do the thing i want and always wonder what if...
Now i'm sipping on iced tea, and will have some more lectures today
I am mega sleepy and kinda upset at my horrid class schedule (it's so disjointed that there's no job that would be that flexible with my work hours) but other than that my heart feels light. On an unrelated note I've gotten back into collaging and journaling both off and online and I've started making my own wallpapers! Who knew it was so fun... Currently i made a sea angel themed one! If I had to be an aquatic animal, i'd definitely want to be a sea angel (yes i know they're technically slugs!!!!!!!11). OH and i'm resuming song a day!
also, I lovee Peanuts strips! I try to read one or two every day! So here's one for u
(removed!)
My fellow 20 somethings...the unthinkable has happened. Teens are romanticizing the 2010s!!!! *gasps of abject horror fill the room*...and something more shocking is that...I'm kinda eating it up
I mean the mid 2010s were a brutal time for me but it was also a crucial period of my life filled with self-discovery and growing up and all that jazz(and there was a lot of jazz...I loved Chet Baker haha) I am writing this entry before class, which is not something I usually do; but for some reason I woke up extra early and I'm all ready to go but class isn't for until later, and I already skimmed through FRUiTS and had my coffee... so here I am! I love how people dress in FRUiTS it's so fun and out there! Not something I wear but if I ever see someone in an outfit I enjoy in public I tend to compliment them on it. Esp. teens because I know how anxiety-wrecked that stage can be, and a confidence boost is always appreciated...at least I hope so!
A thing I've noticed recently is the way people smile at me. There's a kind of customer service smile people put on before they even look at you, that's sorta the "regular" smile you expect out in this big, big world; but there's another kind I've noticed lately. It's when someone will look stoic or neutral ( :| < -like that) when you intially talk to them, but a few seconds after I talk to them they start to smile ever so slightly? Even when I'm just asking for directions or telling them my coffee order! The issue is that because they're smiling so genuinely it makes ME smile but there's nothing to smile about so we're both stuck there trying to hide our smiles?? It's kinda silly, but I don't mind.
Another thought: There's so many fun people on here who's content I genuinely enjoy and it's always fun interacting with them too but why does neocities not notify you when they mention you (and vice versa) or at least have messaging support... aaahh(screaming into the void). Anyway I'm gonna go back to reading and wait for class to start.
Good luck to everyone who's got classes, work and everything else inbetween today
I watched this film called Past Lives last night. "In the mood for love" is one of my all time favorites and I thought Past Live's essence felt faintly similar to it. "Right person, wrong time" kind of thing... which is so scary to think about. Imagine being married and settled down for years only for that person you loved the most in your youth to splash back in your life and shake the pillars of your conviction. Sure you like your spouse and you've spent like 7 years together but what you feel for that other person is a once in a lifetime feeling and you both know it. But there's nothing else to do beside look into eachother's eyes and wonder about all the What If's... Idk very sad and bittersweet film but the more I think about it the more I like it
Why must I torture myself so... Another lovely week coming to an end!
Tommorrow I got a few classes and maybe job interview and maybeeee something else even better cooking up (in the soup pot that is my life)! Hoping for cloudy skies this week, lots of hot chocolate, and a sense of peace and quiet no matter what. And with this, I shall go to bed 
I have so so much in my head and my thoughts percolate in such a peculiar way inside my brain that it feels impossible to adequately pour them out; maybe that's just a me problem though...
Class still as intense and rough as last week, but i'm managing. We have a new girl in class who came over cause she got expelled from her previous school and tbh might get expelled from this one too. She's a bit hostile and clearly does drugs and dresses inappropriately and wants to provoke people so she's rubbing some of the students (and faculty members) the wrong way but I feel bad for her, i pity her a lot and hope she can find a way out of the ravine she seems to have fallen into. Even if she's rude and loud and mentally ill overall she's pretty nice to me, she squished my cheek when she saw I had dimples and complimented my outfit
Also i'm SO EXCITED for my bff to come over from america!! She'll be here in a few weeks to celebrate her bday!!!!!!!!
I'm still struggling with picking out a perfect gift...I mean how do you encapsulate 12-13 years of friendship into a present! aaahh... Plus idk what she's got planned for her birthday but us 2 will most likely go out to the first pub we ever went together and probably have some drinks and thennnn i'll do my best not to overdrink so i don't stumble everywhere and hum "singing in the rain" to myself like a loon! No, I'll be good this time!
I loveee wearing cute little outfits so much for classes! I've heard americans will go to class in just a hoodie and shorts or even their PJs and... I do not get it! life is so short not to pair ur skirts with your jackets and feel really nice when you go out..
I really wish it would rain soon though...
Med school kicking my ass as suspected... and so is the heat!
Nothing much to report. I can't believe there's cities out there having rain as we speak! and my laptop is still buggy like always!!!
The next second I'm free I have to go and look for a new one.
September 1st!!! Think of all the kids soo anxious to start their first day of school! I changed schools a lot as a kid so every 2-3 years I'd be laying in bed the night before school would start just absolutely buzzing with anxiety and excitement. Nowadays that specific feeling has waned but my brain still links september with change and the unknown, be it good or bad; something crazy always happens to me in september, it's just a very lively and unexpectable time for me. That's why I decided to make today's song Pernice Brother's "Blinded by the Stars" cause it describes how september feels to me pretty accurately ("So familiar that it feels too strange/Give a name to this terrifying change") it's a bit
but also , you know?
I get food poisoning often but last night.....was definitely in the top 3 worst cases i've had. my fever got dangerously high and i didn't have anything at home to treat it!! Imagine studying medicine and not having a decent first aid kit at home...I've literally been wanting to get painkillers, nitroglycerine, epinephrine etc. for ages.
Speaking of school, turns out some of our classes are gonna be held at a hospital. I don't mind it too much as our gen. surgery classes last semester took place in hospitals but ugh do they ALWAYS have to pick hospitals that are super far away from me? They're always in such clunky areas of the city that I can't even wear cute heels there
I've been told our new profs are incredibly strict and mean...which suits me just fine as those are always the professors that end up liking me the most! (on account of my cripplingly obsessive perfectionism...)
Finally got some sleep after being up for 2 days and 1 night, from all the worried messages i got while i was sleeping i guess i did zonk out a lot harder than I thought...
The only thing I don't like about sleeping when you're exhausted is that i never remember my dreams and usually i have verryyy vivid, intense and absolutely insane dreams! I always ask people about their dreams and i'm surprised that most people either don't dream or will dream of short, mundane things and not like...killer robots out to get you while you're escaping to jupiter on a space horse. Apparently this is a thing that changes along with age and we dream a lot less after childhood. Maybe my body forgot to get with the memo? Who knows. Not looking forward to uni, but really happy about the weather getting slightly cooler.
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Just me, my cup of coffee, some nice tunes and PRODUCTIVITY!!  let's hear it for me!! I revamped and added so much stuff to the site (a lot is still unreleased but keep an eye out...) and it just feels really good to just create something be it art or music or html code held together by sticky tape and safety pins... Anyway there's still lots to finish up until classes start but I can feel the weather getting colder and my seasonal depression hibernating once again. All is well!
I did it, I went and got to see the Barbie movie. I wore a very cute outfit and had some drinks with my friends then we watched the movie aanndd...I think my expectations were too overblown for the film. It was an okay movie but felt so very much like a marketing tactic and the "feminist message" was as basic and undercooked as you can get. BUT the film was bright and the costuming really well done, so fingers crossed for some more upbeat, lightearted movies. The other day I was at this store and they played a very feminine, sexy version of Creep by Radiohead and I didn't know whether to laugh or feel bad. Like this very raw-sounding song about being an outcast and a weirdo and not fitting in... being turned into some sort of sexy-indie ballad that's being played in clothing stores for teens. I mean it is kind of ironic and funny. To me the ultimate "i don't fit in" song is teen suicide's "i am my own hell". It's kinda silly the bands i was into as a teen. speaking of teenhood I think i'm finally starting to look like i'm in my 20s, at least to me! In my 20-21s I didn't think my face looked any different than my late teens but I can kinda see my facial features morphing ever so slightly now and it makes me excited! Some people think you look your best in your teens but definitely not me lol i mean i was a cute kid but i really love my appearance now and i don't know if it's some sort of self acceptance thing or if i've genuinely gotten pretty but hey...i'm not complaining either way  so if you're a teen reading this... it gets better!! Probably! But even if it doesn't who cares! I've started to get over my fear of getting older honestly I love it. I think most girls tend to be afraid of it because we're conditioned to think that as women we lose our worth & value as we age and to that i say... have you ever seen how attractive confident french women in their 40s on a summer night out look? Plus that aside, why would i ever wanna be with someone who won't be obsessively mad about me whether i'm 18 or 38, you know? i'd rather be celibate forever and read my books and go to bars w my friends and try weird foods. Amy Winehouse's family released some of her diary entries which BTW NOT COOL!! but one was titled "fame ambitions" where she listed things she wanted to do if she ever became famous and one of them was "to do a movie where i look ugly" and "to avoid plastic surgery". i've been thinking about that quite a bit today. i think it's healthy to not constantly be so worried over your appearance and let yourself look silly sometimes :) |
Uh oh...I'm struck with the nightly inspiration and desire to do 234873 things at once! Does that ever happen to anyone else--just getting a surge of motivation at like 2 am?? I definitely want to do more with this site before classes start... I have so many ideas and so little time.
here's a random thing I remember about my 6th christmas: one of the presents i got was a Peanuts themed journal that was also a calendar
i love snoopy and i still do! I watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, well, every christmas. another random thought: it's a veryy special thing to have someone in your life who you can be truly yourself with, with all your nerdy and annoying bits! It's such a nice feeling. There used to be this episode in Fairly OddParents where the popular IT girl Trixie is caught...*gasp* buying comic books and dressing boyish! Turns out she was really into comic books but couldn't indulge in them because of her image and all the expectations associated with her. I really related to that! I think there's a lot of things I enjoy or partake in that people just wouldn't get or accept; maybe it's a product of being raised in a very strict household where expectations were very high, especially for girls? Who knows... ANYWAY!
My friends have been bugging me about going to the Barbie movie together tomorrow..I might cave in! If I do go see it expect further journal entries about the film(as you all are awaiting with bated breath, I'm sure).
I did quite an overhaul of this website and also summer is coming to an end. I'm both happy and bittersweet about it, i'm not looking forward to classes...not because of the studying(which i actually enjoy) but because of the active and annoying culture of the place. Everyone's always up in your business, gossiping and asking you to drink coffee with them after class when all you wanna do is go home, eat, and play games... god I sound like a nerd. However the distant promise of rain and cool weather makes it almost worth it...
I have big big plans for next year so here's crossing our fingers that I can get my ducks in a row this fall
Summer's here! I can't say I'm too happy about it... it sounds silly but I always get seasonal depression during the summer; I feel tired and bloated and the incredible heat makes me so annoyed that I just don't go out until sunset. Couple that with my tendency to isolate myself when sad (and the busy schedules of the people that I do want to talk to) and you get my own special mix of summer blues. At least I bought a new fan to combat this heat
I might take a break from writing all summer, it's not like anybody reads these; in fact I might just take a break from life for a few months.
Leaving you with a song that accompanied my teenage summers.
Exam season.............and my laptop has started working soooooooooo badly and idk why!! I can't run most games anymore
not only am I stressed up to HERE with my exams but now a girl can't even enjoy a little silly time...
that new iced coffee I loved a few weeks back? I ended up buying all the little packets and they still haven't restocked it
Nothing much to report besides that. Always remember to visit all the museums and theater performances you can because life is soo short!
Who remembers converse? I kind of want a pair again... they were so comfy and went with everything. and as a teenager it sort of had that "i don't care" vibe(while you did, in fact, care very very much of how you're perceived); so it was perfect for then. Kind of want a pair again however...hmm....maybe.. I saw a really cute cargo mini skirt at the mall though AND i need some new jeans and T-shirts so maybe the converse must wait until next pay day
I don't have a lot of energy to write more but I've been thinking about how you're linked to your family and ancestors even through little things you don't realize. My baby cousin is literally me when I was her age and it's so cute seeing it; we even share our dimples and that very specific line under our eye that never goes away no matter how much you sleep. Every time you look into a mirror, there's an ancestor looking back--a man/woman you'll never meet. Someday, we'll be that ancestor.
Now on to make some coffee for the FIRST TIME THIS WEEK.
You know those days where everything is sooo exhausting you don't even have the energy to talk about it? Even when you've had a hectic but good day you just want to curl up under soft covers and hibernate like a bear. Here is important information about my day: I tried out new fancy iced coffee and loved it
another fact about today: I saw a lot of beautiful blooming trees, but the wind shook so many leaves into my hair. Anyway I am off to bed, time to listen to some tunes 
I saw once a documentary where most of the cocoa farmers in Cote D'ivoire had never tasted chocolate and wondered why Europeans wanted so much of the bitter cocoa in the first place. They were offered chocolate and as soon as they tried it you could tell how much they enjoyed it! There is something very instinctual in our enjoyment of sweets. Even a baby trying something sweet for the first time will instantly smile and enjoy it! It's actually quite interesting thinking about it; why do we not derive as much physical pleasure from spicy or sour food? I'm sure someone out there smarter than me has written a research paper on this. I think my first real sweet was half a bar of snickers when I was a toddler
Sometimes i have so many thoughts, way too many! It's like pouring tea into a pretty teacup but you can't stop pouring the tea and the teacup is too small to contain all that tea so it spills out. I wonder what the solution would be? Get a bigger teacup or pour less tea?
Controversial thought of the day: If you're sick staY HOME
sick people going to work/class are always the reason i get sick too. Just stay home, have a lozenge and some tea.